I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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