they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
