yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
