Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize