I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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