I got chris browned last night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
