Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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