i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
