Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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