There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
