Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
