Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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