I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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