What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
