WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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