I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
