Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(416): View more from Ontario

Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.

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(352): View more from Florida

this beer tastes like vomit already

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Sensing a theme here

(1-720): View more from Colorado

If alcoholism is a theme, yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'

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