This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
