Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
