i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
