she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
