I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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