Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
