Someone shit on the floor
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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