guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
