you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
