A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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