I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
