It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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