Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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