Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
