He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
