I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
