You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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