My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
