I think my vagina is haunted
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
