Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize