singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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