I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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