textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
