I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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