Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
