I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
