Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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