The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
