As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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