watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
