I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Holy shit dude........stairs
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
