i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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