watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
