I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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