why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
