So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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