i need an iv and a liver transplant
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
