Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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