That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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